04/14/2021
mary
an open letter to the friend i'll never forget
you and i were so similar in so many different ways. we enjoyed a lot of the same activities, hobbies, shows, etc. we both loved nature, and we had the same, goofy sense of humor. i really don't think i've ever met anyone as silly as you, except for myself! there was never, ever a dull moment between us. we always found something to do or something to talk about for hours on end. which was great, aside from all the times we got in trouble for talking in class. but hey, i don't regret any of it! i loved every second i got to spend with you, and you quickly became like a sister to me. we'd get in our dumb little fights and then make up less than an hour later because we couldn't stand to be apart for very long.
i think our friendship was one of the only friendships i've ever had, where all the effort i put in was the same amount of effort i got in return. it's one of the things i appreciated most. that and the fact that you could always tell, just by looking at me, when something was wrong or if i was upset. and you always knew just how to make me feel better in different situations. what you never knew was that you could make me feel better just by being there. you didn't have to say anything. just a hug or that beautiful smile of yours was equivalent to saying "everything's gonna be okay".
you had such a big heart that was so full of love and compassion for others. no matter what was going on in your life, you always put everyone's needs before your own. and that was amazing, but what you needed to realize was that it's okay to put yourself before others sometimes. it's unhealthy not to. it's okay to let down your guard sometimes. it's okay to not be okay. and it's okay to ask for help. i tried to help as much as i could, as you did with me, but i was only a teenager. i didn't know how to help you in the way you really needed, especially since i didn't even know how to help myself. i felt good knowing i was the person you would go to when things were really hard, but now i also feel a lot of responsibility for what happened. every day i wish things were different. if i could change the past, i would've gotten you the help you really needed. the help you deserved.
i've learned, though, that thinking about that and dwelling on what could have been will get me nowhere. it will only make me sad and angry at myself. so instead of thinking about those things, i now look at everything a lot differently. whenever i feel worthless, hopeless, or alone in this world, i remember all the people who were affected when you left. a lot of those people would be affected if i chose to leave as well. there are people who love me and care about me, just like there are people who love and care about you. everyone is loved and cared for by someone. and now, whenever i see someone who is feeling down or doubtful about that, i do everything i can to make them realize the truth. i'd like to believe i've made a difference in at least a couple of people's lives, and i couldn't have done it without the lesson you taught me. i was never really one to believe the whole "everything happens for a reason" cliché, especially not in such terrible situations; however, i've come to realize that maybe it's true. i've become a better person through all of this, not only for myself but for you.
even though i would much rather have you here with me still, i know i've got an amazing angel watching over me and helping guide me in the right direction. i am so happy and so blessed to have had a person like you in my life. you truly were the best friend i've ever had, to this day, and i don't think anyone will ever take that from you. i love you and miss you, and i will continue to live life to the fullest for you. it's hard at times, but i know it's what you would want. thank you for everything you ever did for me. you will never be forgotten.